singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
