So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
