My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
