Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
