Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
