We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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