This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
