We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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