i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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