the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
