Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dick very happy bro
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
