forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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