i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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