if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
