Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
