I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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