Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
