my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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