Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
