I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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