I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
