be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
