I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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