What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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