New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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