I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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