The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
