I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
