I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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