Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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