She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
