but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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