Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
