you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
