My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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