hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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