just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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