I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
