Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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