i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
