Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
