I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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