Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
