Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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