i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
