i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
