He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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