I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
