I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
