DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
