I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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