my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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