So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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